Allen West Found Communists! (According to the Voices in his Head)

I really can’t help but laugh at these types of accusations anymore.  U.S. Congressman Allen West (R) claims there are over 75 Communists in the House of Representatives, all Democrats of course.  He backs this claim up with the air-tight, thoroughly reviewed, undeniable evidence of…his opinion.  He states the Communist Party USA (currently holding approximately zero seats in Congress) happens to support the Progressive Caucus in the House and this means everyone in this group is a “card-carrying Marxist.”

By this logic, it is not who you like that defines you.  It is who likes you.  I like this game.  Let’s use Mr. West’s FEC contributions page and see what he is by who likes him.

Dentist gave him money, therefore, Allen West inflicts pain on people through root canals.

Bankers and insurance companies gave him money, therefore, Allen West likes taking our economic system to the brink of catastrophe.

John Boehner gave him $10,000, therefore, Allen West is actually orange and not black.

Fast food restaurants gave him money, therefore, Allen West is a greasy cheeseburger that will lead to heart disease.

Exxon gave him money, therefore, Allen West is an oil tanker bent on spilling his oil everywhere and killing tons of wild animals in Alaska.

Halliburton gave him money, therefore…too easy.

Lockheed Martin gave him money, therefore, Allen West is a bomb designed to kill people, guilty or innocent.  Bombs do not discriminate.  Neither does Allen West.

Beer Wholesalers gave him money, therefore, Allen West makes people alcoholic.  (Could be true.  I was reaching for a beverage as I read his comments.)

Peace Through Strength PAC gave him money, therefore, Allen West is ironic.

Republican Jews gave him money, therefore, Allen West is Jewish.

River Horse PAC gave him money, therefore, Allen West is…?  A horse that can do the breaststroke?

Sarah Palin’s PAC gave him money, therefore, Allen West is a former female beauty contestant.

Soft drink companies gave him money, therefore, Allen West is contributing to the childhood obesity epidemic.

So as we can see we can now define all politicians not by what they say they are or their actions but by who supports them.  We have a great idea now of what Allen West is and we can define him through his contributors from this point on into the future.  He no longer needs to state his opinions or tell us about the stuff he just makes up based on zero evidence.  We can do that for him.